I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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