I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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