haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
