I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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