At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
