ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
