So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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