I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
