I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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