i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
