Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
