last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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