I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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