Can i not drive my cunt home
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
