I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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