how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
