I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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