I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.