The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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