Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
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also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!