yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
