Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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