dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
