3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
