I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
