I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
