So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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