I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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