I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
