I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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