The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
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he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
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Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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