Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
