yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
