She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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