i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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