I should be sponsored by Trojan
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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