New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
