I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
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Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
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I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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