i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
