I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?