I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
