Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
