I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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