Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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