Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
