"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
