im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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