im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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