you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Boobs are out for the taking
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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