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Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
