I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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