Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
