I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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