my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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