The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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