Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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