Kiss
Puke
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
