He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
