the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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