That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
