My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
