I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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