Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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